


watch the sky darken in shades of violet

by agendeer



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Fantasy, Kylo is not in the right mental state, Kylo is soft, Love Confessions, Love/Hate, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sassy Kylo Ren, Slow Burn, Unacknowledged Love, Unhappy Ending, imaginary world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 16:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11993766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agendeer/pseuds/agendeer
Summary: "let's create a place for ourselves, a safe place, even if it's for a few fleeting moments. let's pretend, even if it's short-lived, that we're okay."sometimes, they find safety in an imaginary place. it's somewhere where there's safety, where there's no problems for them to deal with. sometimes, they wished they chose different paths, and they weren't rivals of any sort, or they didn't really hate one another.then, the resistance comes and suddenly their worlds are fused together; then they watch it crumble apart.





	watch the sky darken in shades of violet

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! it's finally up! i'm so happy!
> 
> the wonderful art the fic is based on is by the lovely phrixion!! find her on tumblr [here](http://phrixionstudios.tumblr.com/)
> 
> i'd also like to thank my beta, eliška (thanks sm for dealing with my terrible writing)!! she helped me develop this fic so much and it wouldn't be the same without her! you can find her on ao3 [here](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellstra/works), and on tumblr [here](http://ellstra.tumblr.com/)
> 
> this fic is canon divergent. as said in tags!

hux gazes out into the masses, the masses of stormtroopers, still bathed in the red glow of his work and his effort and his creations and he feels so proud, _brendol, look, my creations, fuck you, wherever you are, look at me, i've achieved more than you've ever and you still dare to call me fragile?_

 

he bites back on his words. he dared to feel proud, yet he still stood shrouded in rens shadow, unimportant compared to snoke's brilliant little pupil, no matter how hux tries to impress. it's always kylo, his knights hiding in the shadows and hux really had to wonder at one point how the knights feel, all their achievements gone to their pathetic man child of a leader.

 

yet, when hux thinks of ren, his senses are usually clogged with indefinite fury but recently, recently there's been a change in how he feels when he hears the name kylo. he wants to shoo away the electric that runs through his body, so he blames it on the fact he hasn't had anyone in so long, and dismisses the thoughts of loneliness and need of attention.

 

still, he can't resist wondering if snoke is using kylo, if he's moulded the soft clay of a boy into something so easily manipulated to carry out his plans, someone young, someone strong, who can fight for snoke, and hux glowers in fury, mentally baring his teeth at the man who's not strong enough to pursue his own ambitions, hiding himself behind a screen, too cowardly to show himself for who he is.

 

he knows he's cowardly too; he cowers and craves attention from one who he shuns in the back of his mind. _you're not much better_ , he thinks to himself. _you're worse than snoke._

 

hux knows kylo was weak when he came here, raised by almost polar opposites who sent him off to some camp. kylo must've felt so neglected, hux thinks. he wonders how kylo, then ben, was convinced to join this side, unlike hux, who, from the moment he opened his eyes, was thrown into this world.

 

hux can't help but feel a bit of pity for kylo but that bit is shrouded in frustration and jealousy and hux knows such petty feelings should be neglected.

 

he wonders why he's thinking about kylo when he just blew up the whole hosnian system.

 

then he thinks of kylo, bathed in the warm glow of fire and residue, the lights flickering off his tan face with his curly hair blowing in the wind, framing his face.

 

fuck.

 

-

 

as the days pass, kylo becomes less and less interested in the tasks he's given. the motives   that brought him here grow unimportant, and his work is carried out with lethargy. these days, he's way too busy spending his time immersed in a fantasy. his presence is almost unnoticeable on the base anymore. he spends all his time locked in his unit, making excuses to snoke that he's 'practicing a new skill', although snoke probably more than definitely knows what's he up to.

 

kylo recalls the last time snoke has called for him; he'd gotten mad, telling kylo he's straying way too far off his path. for the first time in his life, kylo refused to bow down to the shaking, staticky figure; he was all but a real person to kylo.

 

"who's the object of your affections?" he had asked. "who's the one slowing you? is it that girl you captured a while ago? is she the centre of your fickle attention?"

 

"you wish that was the case. then we could have more force-sensitive children you can manipulate to fit your schemes," he retorted.

 

snoke had sighed, obviously fed up with kylo. "i'm reminding you that as long you're on the dark side, you're under my reign. get your priorities sorted straight, or i'm forcing my way into your thoughts, and killing off this woman who somehow managed to fit herself in front of your priorities."

 

_what woman_? kylo scoffs. of course it'd be natural to assume it was a woman, he also captured that pilot awhile ago, why didn't snoke name him?

 

the only one in kylo's mind is someone with eyes like storms, a tongue sharper than daggers, and hair like a blazing fire.

 

hux's eyes remind him of the frost that covers the planet; they've always been there but kylo has only learnt to appreciate them recently. the frost is like hux is many ways. sometimes kylo wishes he wasn't so cold, but at the same time, his harsh demeanor lures kylo in closer and closer. kylo wants to hold hux in his hands, yet, he's scared of seeing hux disappearing, like the white flakes that melt and slip past his numb fingers.

and somehow, hux manages to be a raging fire at the same time. he seems calm on a day the day basis but in reality he's uncontrollable, almost unstable, but kylo doubts hux's flame will burn out anytime soon. every time kylo merely interacts with hux it's like playing with fire, but it's a risk kylo is more that willing to take. it's hux, he won't mind being burnt either. he relishes in the moments hux singes him with his words. is it strange of him to like pain?

hux is almost ethereal to kylo at this point. how one could be such a perfect balance of traits, so refined, so cold?

he closes his eyes, as he wishes to the stars and opens the door to a world where everything's perfect.

_he's lying on silk bedsheets, legs in a tangled mess with the blankets, and someone thinner, paler. orange-red hair is spread out on a pillow beside him, a stark contrast against the whiteness of the sheets and the man's skin. blue-green eyes flash open and he's met with a soft smile, and a stroke on the cheek._

_hux removes himself from the tangle of man and sheets and exits the room. kylo whines at the loss of warmth, but soon, it's replaced with a warm cup of caf placed in his hand and fingers grasping at his wrist and dragging him to a table. he seats himself and gazes into hux’s eyes, and he feels like he's being filled up with warm ambrosia watching his eyes crinkle in delight._

_kylo's lying if he says he's not in love._

_but he's only a bit in love._

_only a little._

_they change, and kylo ends up in a patterned undershirt and black pants. hux insists on dressing kylo in a ridiculous shade of blue to match his slightly darker, equally ridiculous shirt. kylo is stubborn but they both end up giggling, on the floor in front of their dresser._

_they hold hands as they walk outside, soft morning light penetrating through the canopy of trees that shelters their little hut. they're both smoking; rather, only hux is. kylo steals the white roll out of between hux's lips sometimes, taking a drag and laughing as he kisses hux. the grey clouds that escape their mouths are the only thing separating them. they continue until the roll is too small to hold between his fingers, laughing, blowing smoke into each others mouths, then it's dropped and stamped on by bare feet. they continue their promenade, kylo picking up leaves and clusters of small white lacy flowers, and dropping a circlet of flora on hux's head. he's fast to return the action; within five minutes a similar crown is adorning black hair, bleeding red onto a canvas of black ink. they eventually return to the flat, sitting on the porch, kylo's head resting against hux's thighs._

_"hux," he whispers to himself, and hux turns his head from where he was observing some flying creature._

_"yes kylo?"_

_"nothing," he says, with a grin, reaching up to poke hux’s cheek. hux in turn tries to swat his hand away, and the_ _y_ _end up holding hands, gazing at the mountains they climbed together in the background._

_"you'll have to go back soon," hux says, and kylo is once again reminded that this isn't real; it's a world he built for himself inside his mind, a tent of refuge in a battlefield. and as much as kylo would want to believe this is real, that it's not just a piece of a dream in a nebula of hopes, he knows at the back of mind it's just not real._

_"but," he protests, "i like it better here, why can't i stay?"_

_he wants to stay forever like this; head resting in hux's lap, their hands pressed together, fingers working soothing cycles on the back of his hand. he wants to bask in the pinkish-green hues of light, and stay like this until the sky turns dark. he wants to lose himself forever._

_i have things to do, he thinks. i can't lose myself here. i have to go back,_

_a few moments later, he's pinned against a wall, cigarette smoke tickling his neck._

_he can succumb for a little longer._

-

hux sits, hovering over a datapad, inputting information from the recent destruction of the hosnian system. he sighs, and leans back into his chair. concentration was usually something that came naturally to him, but recently he's becoming more and more restless; concentration like something right in front of him that he just just can’t reach, and he hates the reason it's being dragged out of his hands by the day.

_kylo ren._

it's ridiculous, really, how he can stand stone-faced at killing off the whole hosnian system, but when looking at the face of rip-off vader, he practically melts; everything feels weak, and he fights the feelings off, struggling to keep stiff and serious like he's supposed to be.

he's disappointed in himself, to say the least. how could he let his feelings take advantage of him? he's supposed to be a general. he's supposed to command his army of loyally trained stormtroopers, to lead them to success, to overturn the resistance, but what's he doing instead? falling for a particularly annoying, good for nothing manchild? _really_ ? he asks himself, _how low have you stooped this time? father would be so disappointed_ . he snarls a bit at the thought of his father. _that man isn't even my father. calling him father is an insult to other caring men who have children out there._

he's not in love, he simply will refuse to acknowledge that fact. he's not in love, he's not in love, he's not in love.

he's in love.

and as much as he doesn't want to say it, he might slightly like it. he feels so happy when he's simply around ren; and yet this to him sounds ridiculously cliché. he sounds like an adolescent girl. how could his feelings betray him like this?

and sometimes, much to his dismay, his imagination wanders; and he's left to think about _what if we were somewhere else?_

he imagines living with kylo in one of those shelter complexes he saw in other planet systems. there would only be one bed, to their disappointment, but they eventually would talk it out and end up having to share the bed. he imagines waking up earlier than kylo and having to pry his hands off of his waist, going to prepare some caf, which they would then share. he wants to drag kylo to cantinas without being attacked, and mull over their problems over a glass of whiskey or two. he imagines sharing a smoke with kylo; ghosting the cigarette over the other’s skin, making smoke rings, laughing as he blows smoke playfully into kylo’s mouth as they kiss.

he has to remind himself again that this is just a fantasy and there’s no chance of it actually happening.

or, he hopes, there just might.

he hopes.

he turns his attention quickly back to his datapad. he’s barely gotten two lines of text in when his holopad starts ringing; it’s from phasma, and hux has to wonder what exactly she wants to contact him. how come she chose to call him instead of seeing him directly? his quarters aren’t far from where she usually is.

he answers the call, expecting something about _kylo’s trashed another room again_.

instead, he’s met with a panicked face.

“we’re under attack,” she says.

-

snoke’s image flickers on kylo’s holopad, spewing some nonsense about how this is his chance to prove his leadership skills or something. he’s in some half trance and he throws his helmet and tunic on. he grabs his lightsaber and leaves, the sound of snoke’s spluttering  fading as the doors automatically slide shut behind him.

-

_they’re after kylo. they’re after kylo._ hux doesn’t know where he gets the idea from, but once it’s in his head he can’t get it out. it all makes sense. they know that snoke dotes heavily on kylo. it’s logical to target the crucial piece in a puzzle; without it, nothing can be completed.

the fact that he’s the only one who realizes the resistance is targeting kylo has nothing to do with the fact he’s currently a little head over heels for him.

he throws his greatcoat on with haste and soon he’s practically sprinting down hallways. they’re mostly empty, as most of the staffing is on the front lines anyways.

he runs into phasma though, putting on her chrome plated helmet.

“kylo,” he says, “they’re after kylo, we have to-“

“hux, this isn’t the time to let your feelings get into your way. there is a full scale attack happening right now. i have no idea how they managed to send so many troops here, but we’re going to need as much help as we can have. you’re a general, hux, go lead your troops, and don’t let your romantic mishaps be the cause of thousands of deaths.” phasma stalks away, throwing him a glare over her shoulder, but no speech from phasma could change his mind.

he walks outside into the battlefield, armed with only two laser blasters and a small knife. the normally pure-white frost that covers the planet is stained with blood. fighters whizz ahead, shooting lasers at each other. a red shadow is cast onto the sea of soldiers, bright red of laser blasters and the occasional bright flash of a lightbow against white suits. what once was a peaceful field suddenly turned into a battleground, and graveyard for many.

his eyes flicker from left to right, trying to find the metallic glint of a black helmet. his peripheral vision registers a large, red flash to the right, and he turns to see kylo’s lightsaber, slashing at enemies and painting them vibrant crimson.  is then shot towards kylo, hitting him and he falls- and hux races and shoves past bodies to get to him.

hux can’t help but think that kylo looked too distracted. he looked like he wasn’t fighting like it was a matter of life or death; neither did it look like he was taking the whole thing as a joke. he just seemed too unfocused, his movements imprecise and vague compared to all the other times hux saw him fight. he wasn’t one to give up easily either. _did snoke possibly do something to him_?

by now, some of the stormtroopers have realized their commander was there, and suddenly he hears waves and waves of cries and “general hux, tell us what to do!” and pleas of help. he ignores it all and runs to where kylo is now lying; brushed off for another dead corpse. thankfully, his injury isn’t really severe; the laser had hit him between his left forearm and chest. how occupied must he have been to not notice? hux picks him up bridal style with a soft grunt. kylo is both taller and heavier than him, but hux is much stronger than he seems. he ducks back inside, to the safety of the halls, ominously empty and silent. he runs until he finds a control room hidden in a turn of a corner, and enters. the scene outside is being fully broadcasted on the panels above the rows of now abandoned seats. hux sets kylo down, and wraps him in his greatcoat. he seems like he’s in some kind of daze; his eyes are almost closed, but his breathing is soft and steady.

on the screens, it looks even worse than it did a few moments ago when hux was still out. the pixels decipher a horrible-looking crimson-hued bloodbath. he can’t even tell who’s winning. fighters are blowing up one by one, sending their parts flying into ground soldiers, smoke plumes billowing into the air. explosions scatter both stormtroopers and resistance fighters, blowing the white powder on the ground into columns which mix into the gases in the air.

he clutches kylo tighter to his chest.

the resistance will find him soon. they probably have that girl with them, and with her, they can track them down in no time. hux is somewhat skillful with hiding himself from the force; it’s something he’s learnt from being around ren, but he doesn’t really know about kylo himself.

he decides the best option is to hide, and he ducks under a table, still carrying kylo, holding him tight to his chest. after gently dropping kylo behind him, he covers their bodies with those spinning chairs at every surveillance station.

he at least hopes he was right in saving kylo.

he’s not sure if saving ren was the right thing to do. would it really benefit the first order? or was he really just acting out of selfishness now?

ren’s breathing is steady behind him, a soft beat to accompany a song only hux can play, and hux lowers himself to sit face-to-face with the other.

“we’ll be alright,” he whispers, “just hold on for a bit longer.”

he could stay like this; forget the situation they’re in, and just lie down, and embrace kylo.

 

he's so occupied in his thoughts he doesn't notice the blue light that suddenly floods the room.

 

he looks back, moves the chair aside, and there, in front of him, dozens of force ghosts are standing, all looking at him like he was vermin they wanted to step on.

 

his mind spins in confusion as he tries to comprehend where they all came from, and- oh.

 

these must be the force ghosts of the citizens of the hosnian system.

 

he's overcome with a sudden wave of guilt; their harsh murmurings skim over his ears. he killed these people. from far away, the explosion seemed so beautiful, but now he sees all of them close up and he's suddenly on the verge of tears.

 

he can see families. there are fathers, mothers, teachers, friends, and _oh stars_ there are children and he chokes out a muffled _sorry_ , palms meeting the ground.

 

he destroyed families. killing off one or two people wasn't a problem at all, but to be faced with so many, and knowing he was to one to end their lives- and these were only the force sensitive in the hosnian system. there must be billions more, unable to come back and haunt him.

 

he did this. he killed all these happy people. he wants to erase the red flashes from his mind. he wants to retreat into a hole and disappear; it's too much for him to take.

 

he knows that he deserves this; he's terrible.

 

he can hear the resistance coming down the corridor, saying things like, "what's that strange blue light?"

 

this is when kylo's eyes flutter open, but before he has the chance to say anything, hux covers his mouth. "wait," he says. "just close your eyes for a bit longer."

 

"we'll be alright."

 

that was a blatant lie in its entirety, and he has no hope but to sob apologies into his hands, and glance up at the blue light cast all over the room.

 

then, something in him snaps. did he really do this for nothing? is this where everything ends? what happened to the poker-faced, cold general who didn't give a thought to killing millions?

 

_there's not much left fighting for though_ , a voice echos in his head.

 

_but there's still kylo._

 

and that's when he dedicates the rest of his life- however long it may be - to protect kylo ren, because love is a foolish thing that makes your do even more foolish things, but hux is determined it's the right thing.

 

he's not going to lose any more.

 

he grabs a blaster from his belt and stands up, ignoring the ghosts which whisper and part silently. he stands ready to aim, blaster pointed at the door. the voices of the resistance fighters are getting louder and louder.

 

he shoots at the first person who steps in the door, who happens to be FN-2187. the laser grazes his leg and he hisses in pain.

 

"traitor," hux says through gritted teeth.

 

then, suddenly, he's being seized; two other soldiers carry ren, who, by the looks of it, is in some kind of dreamlike daze.

 

"you're not taking him!" hux yells indignantly. "take me. kill me, lock me away, i don't care!" his voice rises in volume as he speaks. "but don't-" he kicks at the legs of the guards who grasp at his arms, "take kylo!"

 

he keeps yelling, kicking, thrashing. why won't kylo just snap to his senses already? why won't he wake up? his eyes are open, and he's mumbling something incoherent.

 

something hits hux’s back and his eyes suddenly feel like closing. "don't touch kylo, don't you dare." he mumbles, before everything goes black.

 

-

 

kylo is floating. hux is touching is face. "we'll be alright," he says. kylo nods sleepily- _wait,_ why is he sleepy?

 

his mind faintly registers that he's being seized, or carried. protests ring through his head. "don't touch him," a voice that sounds like hux says. who is that? who is he protecting?

 

he's staring at some type of ceiling. oh, another dream.

 

the yelling continues; loud cursing, some banging, more yelling.

 

then it goes quiet.

 

he sees a figure hovering over him- is that his mother? "it's okay, ben sweetie," she says. "everything will be fine soon."

 

everything is fine as it is. he wants to move but he just can't- wait.

 

kylo jerks upward. he's being dragged out of a ship. a large structure stands in front of him; a complex podium is set up, and a chair rests directly under it. kylo is shoved into the chair.

 

where is he?

 

then, he sees hux. the general's normal calm exterior is completely undone; he's thrashing, kicking, snapping at the men who hold him tight to their chests. "stop!" he yells. "how many times do i have to tell you that you can do whatever you want to me? you can torture me as much as you like; just don't hurt kylo." the last words come out a growl.

 

wait. why was hux protecting him?

 

kylo’s head spins. what does hux think he's doing? putting himself in danger like that? he's still struggling as they drag him up the steps to the podium, screaming at them and telling them just to spare kylo.

 

there's too many things going on for kylo to comprehend anymore; his chest is burning, he can't, he can't. there's a fire slowly burning his insides to ashes, and he needs it to stop.

 

then, a loud yell echoes from above, and he sees hux jump straight off the platform, hands tied with a rope behind his back. what is he doing- kylo quickly gets up to catch the man, but no, he's going to be too late. but, against kylo’s expectations , the man didn't just fall to the ground, crumpling with a sickening crunch. hux lands on his feet with the grace of a cat, and before kylo can ask anything, he's tossed a knife.

 

somebody on the podium says "i can't believe he bit me."

 

so that's how he escaped. kylo runs up to hux, sawing off the ropes that bind his wrists together in no time.

 

then he grabs hux's hand and he runs.

 

if there was no context to this, no screaming before, if hux's eyes weren't still burning with fury, kylo would've thought that he's in that world of his again. holding hux's hand, running to show him something, maybe a beautiful lake, where they could dangle their legs into the water, and fling droplets at each other.

 

but that isn't the case at all.

 

kylo thinks he’s probably insane by now; the edges of fantasy and reality become to fray and connect into a fabric together. he tells himself to snap out of it.

 

they run through forested area until they reach a small clear meadow. flat rocks are scattered around the middle of the area. it's raining, has been since they arrived on the planet. the two men stop to breathe, both exhausted. hux rubs at where ropes briefly scraped against his skin. they both take a seat on rocks, kylo lying down on his.

 

hux pants. "why'd you save me? you could've just let me die, it doesn't affect you, right?" his voice is laced with pain and anger, although he sounds tired.

 

the words sting kylo as they leave hux’s mouth and kylo bites his lip as he tries to conceal the immense surge of attraction he has for the glory standing in front of him. hux's normal, perfectly coiffed hair is dishevelled, hanging over his brow, and dripping with sweat and rain. he can see the sea-like depth of his piercing gaze peak through ginger strands and, well, _shit._

 

it frustrates kylo, it frustrates him that he's what, in love, with someone who will never feel even close to the same back. and yet, hux still saved him, even if he hates kylo. he growls in half assed anger: "oh, i could say the same to you, armitage."  

kylo knows that using the man's first name enrages him, but it's exciting to see him a little riled up. "how come you carried me out of the battlefield in the first place? why'd you protect me from the resistance, even if you knew it was hopeless?" kylo bolts upright. "what the fuck was all of this ‘you can take me but just don't take him’ shit? what the fuck hux, what the fuck? what, do you think you can just play with my feelings? do you think that this is fucking fun, armitage, fun? this isn't a game, this is a matter between life and death, this isn't for you to play! okay, con-"

 

hux cuts off kylo with a stiff wave of his hand. kylo is somewhat enraged; how could someone cut him off so rudely? he just can't bring his mouth to form comprehensible words so he gawks in silence. hux's looking away, but his face is still angled to the extent to where kylo can still see that he's somehow not angry?

 

hux turns to face kylo all of a sudden, eyes cold ice meeting red fires, and a chill runs down kylo's spine. hux looks like a wolf distracted from eating its prey, his voice is bitter and edged with pain.

 

hux looks down. he's on a resistance planet, he doesn't have a way to escape.

 

he's going to die.

 

might as well get it over with..

 

"i can't even protect what i love?"

 

kylo's eyes widen and _oh no he messed up_.

he's so scared all of a sudden, so scared of confessing and messing up more.

 

"i didn't know you felt that way," he mumbles, not being able to make further words leave his stupid mouth. strangely, he's dizzy, and he can't piece together a coherent sentence to reply properly to the other. he wants to say something about how much he loves hux, how much he's wanted the feeling to be mutual. he wants to say something to hux like he did in his dreams but in real life it's so different; kylo is frozen, with no words leaving his blank mind.

 

"we're, or at least i am, going to die anyways. i'm not going to leave this godforsaken world without saying something i've waited too long to say. our cooperation could've been much better if i confessed earlier." hux avoids looking at kylo directly in any way, "not that you really car-"

 

kylo cuts hux off by kissing him. hux leans in, and the two are locked for what seems like an eternity. kylo drags his tongue over hux's lips, and in return, hux bites kylo's lip and a bit of his tongue, making kylo gasp. hux's hands find their way to the back of kylo's head and kylo holds hux's shoulders. they continue, back and forth, in some type of battered symphony, until hux pushes the other gently off.

 

his eyes have darkened and he's looking at kylo in a way he can't describe. "what was that?" he asks, voice gentler. "kylo, explain."

 

"you, don't-" kylo still feels slightly overwhelmed, "know how long i've been waiting to do that." although hux did return the kiss, kylo is still unsure if he'll react the same. he's still being cautious, but now kylo has loosened a bit and words are finally forming in his mind.

 

"oh, i should know," hux says idly, "that's only where it starts." he looks down at his nails, sounding bored.

 

kylo flushes red. immediately trying to change the subject, he opens his mouth. "why are you saying you're going to die? we can escape, you know?" he wanted to say something else, dammit. now hux will probably be angry.

 

hux surprisingly doesn't reply right away, picking at a cuticle.

 

"well," he starts slowly, "for starters, we're on a resistance planet. you, well, you used to be related to the resistance, but i, i never was even acquaintances with them. they captured

us in the first place in an attempt to steer you back to the light side or something. i'm just part of the process. they'll dispose of me."

 

kylo is already shocked, but what hux says next bothers kylo the most.

 

"i've learned to accept my inevitable death."

 

how could hux say all of that in such a matter-of-factly voice? what happened to his pride, his ferocity? what was all that yelling for then, even on the platform? what was the point of biting and kicking that guard?

 

"who are you?" kylo half whispers, "who are you?"

 

"what do you mean, who are you? i'm armitage hux, son of brendol hux, a man who sacrificed everything in less than a day for someone who doesn't even seem to appreciate my efforts." hux snaps. he runs a hand through his hair, smoothing it back. his other hand, kylo notices, is clenched in a fist, and shaking. hux is only showing the tip of the iceberg. he's probably a lot angrier, and kylo doesn't know what he did wrong.

 

"we could steal a ship," kylo suggests, "we can fly away and hide away at an abandoned planet. think about it. just you and me." kylo knows, in a way, that's hiding from everything; hiding from responsibilities, hiding from snoke, hiding from the resistance, just for a grasp of hope, and kylo grabs hux's hand and looks into his eyes and, for a minute, imagines they're somewhere else. he finds refuge in a memory that never happened and pretends, even if it were only to be a second, that they were alright.

 

hux pries his hand out of kylo's grasp. "that's not our reality. if we were to steal a ship, even if we got away with it, the resistance would still be hot on our trail, it's hard for only two men to man a ship and i-" hux sighs. "your positivity is nice but i don't want to raise my hopes only to get them knocked down," he explains, exasperated.

 

hux brings his eyes down, then up again to meet kylo's. as he lets out a breath, his frame seems to collapse. "i want to go to places with you. i want to hold your hand, and drag you through meadows, and sit, watching the stars. i want to  cradle you through storms, kylo, i know you're afraid of them, even if you try to conceal it. and sometimes, i will be a storm, and you'll wonder why you ever loved me, but then i'll bring you sunshine, and bandage your scars. kylo, i want to do unimaginable things to you, and after, i'll shower you with kisses, and i'll lay in bed with you, playing with your hair. i want to run away too, away from snoke, away from the resistance, away from this whole place. i want to be hopeful, ren, i really do, but i just can't hold onto shards of dreams without getting pulled in more, and i'm already shoulder deep." hux grabs kylo by the arms. "so now, i'm just trying to save you. at least."

 

kylo can't do anything but stare into hux's eyes, an endless abyss of blue-green. without thinking, his mouth opens, and suddenly, all the sentences he just couldn't form before spill out. they're creating their own place with their words of their fantasies, their own world where their fates aren't laced with doom. they dream of a parallel universe, where they aren't the bad guys, and can watch the sky darken in shades of violet, nestled in each other. "there are so many things i've dreamt of," kylo whispers, removing hux's hands from his shoulders, and leaning on him. "let's create a place for ourselves, a safe place, even if it's for a few fleeting moments. let's pretend, even if it's short-lived, that we're okay."

 

hux seems to nod in agreement and kylo can't help but think of how sad this is; two souls so broken they gave up from the chase to clasp onto an invisible dream, to hold onto seconds of time that quickly slipped through their fingers. the resistance would be here soon. kylo brushes away the tears forming at the corners of his eyes. "i want to hold hands with you, and drink caf as we watch the sky darken in shades of violet. we can nestle into each other for warmth, and we'll fall asleep on the rolling grasses. if it's you, hux, i'll let you tear me apart, fix me, however you choose to play me. if your eyes were an ocean i'd willingly drown in them. you know, hux, some part of me just still wants me to hate you for making me love you, but now, i've finally, finally accepted the fact." kylo takes hux's face in his hands, fingers gently brushing his damp hair. "i love you," he breathes.

 

"i still hate you, you know that," hux says, "but now i hate you not because i see you as some kind of competition, or because you're an asshole, but because you're perfect in any way i can imagine and i hate you for being so perfect and oh stars i love you so much as well." kylo can tell hux is trying to be harsh in some way but it's definitely not working. they collapse into each other.

 

"waiting for our deaths, are we?" hux jokes, although his eyes are filled with pain from knowing that is the truth.

 

"mm, let us dwell in fantasy a little longer," kylo replies, closing his eyes, lying on hux's arm. he's holding one of hux's hands between his palms. "i love you," he says again, because, no matter how many times, he just wants to hear the same words leave the hux's mouth over and over again.

 

"ren, i love you too-"

 

hux's voice is suddenly cut off by a choking noise and kylo's eyes fly wide open and he shoots upright. hux collapses sideways and kylo quickly goes to grab him before he falls off the rock. he's filled with fury as he sees the burn of a laser at the back of the collar of his greatcoat. he averts his eyes from hux's neck.

 

"hux," he yells, "hux, wake up! i- i can't live like this, i can't have just found happiness and i- how could it been thrown away so easily? how?"

 

he sees the figures of resistance people approaching. he holds hux closer to his chest, and yells. "you fucking cowards! how come you didn't shoot me, huh? could you even have some respect? i just wanted some happiness, something i could have grasped onto for mere minutes, and you take it away from me just like that?" as the figures approach, kylo can make them out. it's leia, han, and that girl named rey and the pilot from earlier. leia is holding a lightbow. he stands up, gently setting hux down behind him. "just kill me!" he yells. "at least i could be happier that way."

 

he can hear the four talking about something, how everything went according to plan and he needed to realize that he loved hux before the sacrifice could be made.  

 

"i can't believe someone would be so heartless to do that," he sits back down, and the four tower over him as he covers hux. "could you have given me at least a brief moment for me to stay in oblivion from the world i live in? i- i searched so long for happiness, for someone who i could find comfort in and you just-" he chokes, tears spilling onto the rocks. "as much as i hate to admit it, leia, han, you two are my parents. could you even have given your son a moment for himself-" he's sobbing, and he painfully wrenches leia's hand off of his shoulder when she tries to comfort him.

 

he collapses into shudders and cries of _i can't believe you did that_ as he reprimands himself for believing that for once, it would be okay.

 

a month or two later

 

"ben," he can hear a soft voice call out, "ben, it's time."

 

kylo is sheltered in a room he's forced to call his own; the sign on the door says ben solo and kylo questions who that is. ben solo is someone he left behind a long time ago, why mention him now? this is a room he's supposed to believe is his home. this is where he grew up, han says, the blankets on the bed are still the same.

 

yet kylo can't do anything but stare at his over-painted face in the mirror and feel so empty. he wishes hux were there, to hold his hand and gaze out the large window at one side of the room.

 

his heart hurts. everything hurts. it's like something's digging out of him, straight from the inside and he wants it to stop. he touches his face, pretending it's hux and they're okay and they're together.

 

kylo knows, somewhere at the back of his mind, that he deserves the pain.

 

he's still in a daze as leia enters the room and finds him sprawled out on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. "ben, darling, it's time to go." she takes him by the hand, and walks him out of the room. kylo doesn't struggle; there's no point if he wants to escape when he's strong enough. he has to play by the game.

 

_it's for hux_ , he tells himself.

 

and when leia introduces him to the whole resistance; to the whole galaxy that once more he is ben organa-solo, that he is good and part with the light again, that's what he says, again and again.

 

he clutches tightly onto a piece of hux's greatcoat.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!! please tell me what you think!! english is not my first language so criticism is appreciated :)
> 
> find me on tumblr at deadjjang/aromantee!!  
> i'm on instagram @shattered_leaves, where i draw.... anthropomorphic animals


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